"This question is addressed to Robert A. Rowlett, in regards to his article entitled "What is Predestination all about? Do we have Free Will?"
Mr. Rowlett,
I am a 29-year-old man. I was born and raised in the church, and since my youngest days I have been petrified of the notion of hell. My mother has attributed this to an "upbringing of fear" that she instilled in my brother and I through constant worry and concern, but since my childhood a nagging doubt as to whether or not I experienced genuine salvation has persisted.
In reading your article recently, you cited a portion of the Bible that has often fueled that fear: the story of Pharaoh and how God "hardened his heart." I have struggled with a few specific sins since childhood, and my inability to escape these sins has always caused me to doubt my salvation and to wonder if I was predestined to be like Pharaoh, a vessel God destroys to save others.
You wrote something very chilling to a worrier like me at the end of your article. To quote you:
"There is a parenthesis of time in which you can be saved (Paul refers to it as the “day of salvation”). This is why the notion “you can be saved anytime you want” is false—God calls you to salvation at a certain time and you must respond positively at that time because at a certain point God will give you up for eternity and you will be lost forever (2 Thessalonians 2:8-12)."
I have struggled with issues of emotional numbness followed by despair in recent years. I continue to struggle with my sins, and though I have made some progress, I find myself feeling increasingly frustrated in my efforts to feel God's hand in my life. I watch other Christians in my church and in my life exuberantly praising God, holding their hands high during worship, and I despair because I don't feel that joy. I want to so desperately, and I fear that my seeming-inability to do so is a manifestation of your thoughts above: that I, through my own weakness to sin and pursuing of worldly pleasures, rejected God's mercy one time too many and am now damned forever, no longer capable of receiving His love or grace.
Am I too late? If so, why would I still desire to be near to Him? I am terrified to hear your answer, but I cannot turn away. I want so desperately to have a heart after God's own will. Mine is treacherous and fickle, and I don't want it anymore. Please tell me it is not too late, that my malaise is a manifestation of depression and my worrisome upbringing and not the cold shoulder of my Father in heaven.
Sincerely, David Koontz"
David--if only you knew how similar of a life we have both lived. My response is entitled "A Letter to Myself" since I have gone through the same thing as you--this is what I would tell myself being the Christian that I am now.
Salvation and Fear
Consider 1 John 4:18 (NIV):
"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love."
I am sure you have seen and worried about this verse many times, as I have. But I want you to notice something about what this verse does not say: it says that the one who fears is not perfect in love--not "the one who fears will die forever in Hell." Fear cripples the Christian--but it does not cause one to cease to be a Christian. David, if your upbringing taught you to live in a state of constant anxiety and fear about your relationship to Jesus Christ I am here to tell you that is a lie. It was and is a complete falsehood and it is illusory. I believe you are saved based both on your concern in writing me an email and on the statements in your email. In fact, some fear with regards to salvation is of God:
Philippians 2:12b-13, "...work out your own salvation with fear and trembling. 13 For it is God which worketh in you both to will and to do of his good pleasure."
Not all fear is bad or even sinful fear--sometimes it indicates not that you lack salvation, but the opposite! It is interesting to note that in the ancient Roman Catholic Church, when a person was being considered for sainthood (such as St. Mary, St. Patrick, St. Nicholas, etc.) it was part of the criteria that he or she went through a period of introspection and doubt. Fearing your own salvation was an integral part of being a true Christian to the Roman Catholic Church and consequently you should not feel guilty about having some doubts about your faith. It is a normal part of the process of God conforming us "to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters." (Romans 8:29b).
What you must remember about Pharaoh is that he was not aware of his being predestined by God to be a vessel of destruction. If you were so hardened against God to the point that you resembled Pharaoh, you would not be writing me. You would not care--you would go about doing whatever you wanted to do in life and scoffing at anything that relates to God and at any attempt to be told what to do by God or a representative of God. For you to write me imploring that you wish to know the Father and be close to Him tells me that you already are close to him. I know it for a fact--consider Psalm 34:18 (KJV):
"The Lord is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit."
That is you, David. You are broken in your spirit and you feel guilty for your sin (contrite). God is not only near you, He's right along side you with his arm on your shoulder. He did this to Abraham when he was afraid to speak to Pharaoh, He did this when David had sinned with Bathsheba, He did this to Jesus as He was in the Garden of Gethsemane imploring God to use another way. God is right there.
I will also say this: God loves you. He absolutely, lavishly loves you. He desires to be close to you and for you to know Him. He wants you to follow Him and love Him in return. I believe you are a Christian and consequently nothing can separate you from the love of God (I suggest you read the chapter of Romans 8--consider that chapter a personal letter from Jesus Christ to you and your circumstances and to everything that is David Koontz).
Yes--there is a parenthesis of time in which you can be saved beyond the final point of which you will be lost. But how could you possibly think you have reached that precipice? If you were reprobate you would have been one from the beginning of your life and consequently not care--indeed you would go farther than not caring: you would work against God Himself! You are clearly not at that stage.
Also, you mention that you do not have emotional experiences during worship. That is not a problem with you but a problem with the American Church. The American Church has ceased focusing on worship of God and repositioned itself to merely worship itself. The distinction is slight, but enormously important: the American Church has ceased to focus on worshipping God--focusing all of our attention on God, His nature, and His ways--and repositioned itself to merely worship itself--the act of being emotionally invested in a song or presentation. God is no longer the focus--we are the focus. This is the paramount failure of the modern Christian Church: it is not Christian--it is just Church. Consider James 1:26-27 (NIV):
"26 Those who consider themselves religious and yet do not keep a tight rein on their tongues deceive themselves, and their religion is worthless. 27 Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world."
Does this at all resemble the American Church? Definitely not. That is not to say that Churches around the United States do not help orphans or widows--but perhaps the following line of reasoning will make things more clear: when someone from the United States says the word "Church," what comes to mind? Sunday school? Singing? Your pastor? Youth groups? Youth pastors? Bible studies? With no exception, all of these terms are not focused on God but on practices related to God. I am like you--I do not find myself enjoying energetic, emotional worship services. It just is not the way I am. This is not a sign you are not a Christian, it is a sign that you are a more intellectual Christian (a realization that took a long time for me to grasp). Some things definitely bring me to emotional tears--stories of one's hardships in life, a story of one's salvation, someone telling me the story of their fear of death because they are terminally ill. Those things drive me to tears at times. But not music at Church. Indeed, did you know that Biblically speaking singing is not even the primary form of worship? Read Romans 12:2--worship is work, not singing.
Also remember that it is okay if you not to care for emotional singing. Do I get energized when a light piano ballad begins to play and the lights dim? No. But am I absolutely and passionately writing as hard as I can for God in this article (as with my others, I hope!)? Yes. No two Christians are the same--some have this gift and some have that gift. If yours is not emotional worship, do not despair. God has built each person differently on purpose so that He may accomplish different things through different people--think of the analogy Paul uses when he wrote that each Christian is different in the same way that each part of the body is different and has a different function. In 1 Corinthians 12:15-20 (NIV), Paul wrote:
"15 Now if the foot should say, “Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body,” it would not for that reason stop being part of the body. 16 And if the ear should say, “Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body,” it would not for that reason stop being part of the body. 17 If the whole body were an eye, where would the sense of hearing be? If the whole body were an ear, where would the sense of smell be? 18 But in fact God has placed the parts in the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be. 19 If they were all one part, where would the body be? 20 As it is, there are many parts, but one body."
Don't be the foot, David! Do not say that because you are not like such and such that likes to worship emotionally that you are therefore not a Christian at all. You serve a different function and that is just simply a fact.
Lastly, I wish to deal with the issue you raised concerning your sin. Yes, it is true that a Christian should no longer go on sinning--but the fact that sins sometimes come back to haunt us is Biblical. Once Peter started following Jesus, did he suddenly become perfect? Absolutely not! Jesus even accused him of aligning with the Devil (Matthew 16:21-23)! Just because you are a Christian does not mean you suddenly are immune from temptation or sin. You must always fight against sin, but it gets even the very best of us at times. David committed adultery with Bathsheba and then had her real husband murdered. And yet David was a man after God's own heart (Acts 13:22). Your sin does not cancel your salvation.
Also, I would point out that your fear of sin betrays a contempt for sin. You hate your sin and want to be aligned with God--so I (and God) know that you are sincere! God knows your thoughts and your desire to do good David. Think about this deeply, it is a very important point: God is not like people in the sense that He never knows exactly what you are thinking or what your intentions are. It is the opposite: God knows what you have thought, are thinking, and will ever think better than you do. So why would you think God will not believe that you want and believe Him? He has always known that about you! Further, I think there is a matter of practicality involved: if you think that you are not saved and worry about it constantly, you will be weaker in dealing with your own sin for you will think "I can't defeat this sin because I am not sure God is even with me." This fear has a way of making itself seem true. Your fear is not of God in my opinion--it is Satan trying to stop you from doing all that glorious things that God has for you to do. And--if I may say this--I would imagine you know what those things are. You know that God has a certain thing for you to do, even if you do not know the particular action He wants you to do. You simply know in your own spirit and mind that God has something hugely important for you to do. Do not conflate your fear of failure in that duty with a failure to be saved. Indeed, your concern is warranted! You wish to fulfill God's call properly, and so you are being cautious. But my point is this: you know that God has something for you to do and you may even know what it is. Do not squander time being fearful--go do it! God is in you and will give you the strength. It does not mean becoming lax on your standards and it does not mean assuming your sin will not bother you anymore--but it does mean trusting Jesus and moving forward. Indeed, I believe if you accept your own salvation, your assurance in Jesus Christ will make fighting your sins much, much easier and more effective.
Conclusion
Thank you for your email, David. Know that you are saved and that, for you, the battle is to believe in that proposition and to move forward. Do not be distracted by all of this fear and anxiety around you. Stop worrying about what you already have. God believes that you are saved, so believe it yourself. Said another way: Dare to not worry about your salvation and assume that you are saved. That's trusting that Jesus did for you what He has done for every other Christian. If you would like to read more, you can see one of my very old posts about salvation (funny I was reading it last night, is it not?):
http://roberttestimonies.blogspot.com/2011/06/what-is-your-definition-of-salvation.html.
God bless you, David! Know that I will pray for you.
- Robert A. Rowlett